it’s the worst feeling in the world

i know that i absolutely won’t sleep tonight. its been hard enough the past two days, falling asleep at 6 am… then sleeping for about two hours. I’m just trying not to be discouraged.

Victoria Heil was a beautiful, beautiful person. My heart hurts for everyone who was touched by her. For those who don’t know, Victoria was one of the most influential, popular, just AMAZING people at woodstock high school. She had everything going for her. It just feels so strange that her tiny little body won’t be strutting down the hallway every morning on the way to second period where we always joked about the dumbest things in the locker room. Gosh, I’m going to miss that.

It’s crazy to think that just a few weeks ago I was watching a room full of people, and Vic caught my eye. I instantly thought about how she dreamed of going to school in California next year. Through my jealousy, I wondered if I would ever see her again, make any more memories with her after we walked across the stage and had our lives handed to us on a rolled up piece of paper. Strange, I thought. Now I know that this is the end of the road for that relationship.

I know this post is really a downer, but it was really just a way for me to get this feeling out. I am hardening. im trying to stay vulnerable, which is weird, because it used to be that vulnerability that i would hide from.

Anyway, im trying to stay as positive as possible. I came home from the memorial where everyone told funny stories about victoria and i just knew that tomorrow and wednesday are going to be heavy. as lighthearted as tonight was and as bright as we felt, it gets dark again before the sun peeks out of the clouds for good. so with the changing moods, i keep developing different viewpoints. i mean.. not different viewpoints, i just cant think completely right now. I just want everyone to embrace what is going on right now in that if we all just band together, just unite as friends, this time will not be spent in vain. I think we are on the straightest road to recovery in acting like we have been, spending every waking moment (which is basically every moment) together. sending encouraging messages. Crying together. Every little thing will help.

Life isn’t about sitting around waiting for the storm to pass, It’s about learning to dance in the rain.

I know that Victoria wasn’t one to miss out on an adventure, she’s right beside us, splashing in puddles, not a care in the world.

AH!! LOOK IN THE MIRROR, YOUR IGNORANCE IS SHOWING.

The tone of this post is a little different.

I don’t know if anyone actually reads this thing, but I don’t really care. Obama just got elected president. Honestly, not what i was hoping for, but I will be content in that and continue to pray for him and our nation.

That being said, the overwhelming majority of high schoolers are ignorant and dumb. I personally took it upon myself to confront the negligent facebook-ers who claim to be in support of a certain politic. I personally didn’t want to support either candidate… but that’s another story. I just brought up the question why. the disgusting majority could respond with anything but “your dumb.” (FIRST OF ALL, if you are going to insult me, be grammatically correct in doing so.) anywho, i told you all of that to tell you this. People are dumb. I wish i could take a break from them. I want to go live in the woods for a week and come back when everyone is done pretending that they care. END RANT HERE.

 

besides that, I’m good.

(not so) new beginnings

I think it is irony at its.. weirdest that the box i am typing in is designated for “content”. This is solely because I am more content now with my life than i can ever remember being.

Let’s start with this. It’s my eighteenth birthday. With every breath i take i feel infinite. I know I probably sound cheesy beyond belief. but the best part about all of this is that I don’t think this feeling is all because of my birthday. I have been placed in such a beautiful, God-centered community. I couldn’t love it any more than I do. This contentment feels better than any happiness i could ever achieve. I know I’m just rambling. but now you might understand.

I’m gonna stay eighteen forever, so we can stay like this forever.